Okay this is a TMI alert right up front. If you are uncomfortable with bodily functions, female reproductive systems, or just in general a little shy about learning too much about someone you should probably not continue to read...
HOWEVER if you are ready to laugh and possibly cringe keep reading. :)
I just couldn't resist sharing this because while some of the 20 books I have read certainly touch on these things I don't think they really do them justice. Now I realize that the goal of books, and media, and even our friends is to scare the living daylights out of us about all of the things that can go wrong and fill us with images of gore and torture. But in truth, those often represent a very small percentage and only freak us the hell out. Well, when you pack those FEARS onto what REALLY happens it can be an interesting experience.
I have chosen not to focus on the fears but I will provide some comic relief to the things that have actually happened to me (and in whispered conversations with other women, happen to them too!!!!)
But don't get a tenth of the air time of the more dramatic stuff. In all honesty it's probably not as screen worthy lol.
So HERE GOES NOTHING (don't forget I warned you):
Morning sickness: You don't actually have to puke with morning sickness, you could just constantly FEEL like you are going to puke. I am not sure which is worse. Because often when you do puke it doesn't make you feel any better. One too many alcoholic beverages? I might recommend sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself feel better.... yeah doesn't so much happen here. Morning? HAHAHA that's funny, who is the turd that gave it that name? No it's 24/7. For me it was worse early evening, probably because besides when I first woke in the morning that is the longest I would go without eating. For me it was definitely connected to NOT eating, I loved brown rice cakes, soda crackers, and preggo pops.
Gag-Reflex: Interestingly enough when the morning sickness went away my overly sensitive gag reflex did not. Normally, I am not easily affected. While I don't enjoy gross things, they don't really cause me to have physical reactions either... until now. Case in point, I have animals and well stuff happens when you have animals. Accidents, puke, etc. It's part of the gig of being a pet owner. You suck it up and clean it up. Plain and simple. Well Zoie hacked something up on the kitchen floor, and my initial response: ninja like reflexes, fly off the couch, grab the paper towels, plastic grocery bags, cleaner of some kind, and attack. Almost immediately I had to turn around and stick my own head into the kitchen sink. WHOA!! Where did that come from? Yikes. It has happened several times since with kitty puke or even just raunchy smelling items. Well isn't this going to be fun! Thankfully Dayleen is a rock star in this department but when she is not around I still have to suck it up.
Braxton-Hicks: I didn't really know what they were at first. It was just weird. But you know there are lots of "weird" things with pregnancy, they didn't hurt, and nothing stopped working so I just went with it. A friend of mine who is also pregnant had talked about having them early on and I thought that was crazy but then again I have never been pregnant before so what do I know. One day when I was reading one of my awesome books they had a description that actually went beyond "practice contractions". Oh you have never been pregnant before? Then clearly "practice contractions" is enough for you, you get it right? Ummm no. But finally someone put into terms I could understand and I realized that is what it was. So here is MY description for the uninitiated. Okay guys and gals with stomach muscles... I left mine at the gym. I imagine it feels like when you flex your abs really hard, like when, usually boys, dare someone else to punch them in the stomach. Grrrrr, I am ripped hear me roar. Yeah like that, but without trying, it just happens on its own and you don't have to hold your breath. Now its not actually your abs, its the uterus but similar sensation I would think. Really tight, hard as a rock, and lasts for about 30-70 seconds. As long as they don't bother me I am like practice away dear uterus, if that makes you more efficient for the big day, have at it.
Gas: Umm yeah, have you seen "The Bucket List"? Well I will never forget the line the movie (I am sure someone else said it first) "Never Trust a Fart". Seriously! First of all the gas is UNREAL. Sometimes stinky sometimes not, but more often its the bubbly, crampy, you are carefully shifting in your seat to get the best angle to muffle the noise kind of gas. Oh man, it's bad. And when it does stink?? Lord help us all I hope you are not in the car with me. I almost passed out once because I was in closed room with other people and I was trying desperately to control it. Literally, I got hot all over and started to feel dizzy. Gas is toxic people, don't hold it in. If a poor prego in your life has gas just know its natural and she can't help it. You can only help it so much with diet. Oh yeah, the never trust a fart thing... statistically speaking when you are blowing that much air out of you, you are bound to find unpleasant surprises. Just sayin'
This is just my first edition! I realized in the making of this post that the list was SO LONG that it had to be broken up into several posts. So look for the next round of TMI coming soon to a blog near you.